Thailand, Part Deux

Hello friends,

Since the close of my Peace Corps Service in April 2011, this blog has been eerily quite. I figured Peace Corps was over and with it, came the end of my blog. Kind of like closing that chapter in life.   But, I realize now that maybe my Peace Corps experience has really just begun as  I gain RPCV status and continue to fulfill goal 3 of the Peace Corps Mission: "taking home" my experience of the 27-month stint (lots of presentations, formal & informal talks in the past 2 years) 

 On the other side, I've maintained relationships with my beloved Thai friends and family and made new acquaintances stateside with Thai business people and students living in the U.S.  In short,  

I'm happy to say that HeidiThailand lives on!  And, as time passes, so does this blog enter a new chapter.  Upcoming are new updates and adventures as my relationship with Thailand (Thai people, Thai food, Thai country, etc.)  continue. 

The impetus for all of this, you ask?  As of yesterday, I'M BACK in Thailand!  Yes, for about 5 weeks I am here to visit friends, my site community, host families, attend a yoga retreat in the South and play tour guide with a friend of mine from high school who arrives in about 2 weeks.  

Sure, life has certainly changed and continued after I left Thailand--so a brief update in pictures on what I've been up to since my recent return...

Not in chronological order:

I've become a yoga teacher & more dedicated yogi since my return--taking a bit of a hiatus from International Development as the job market in my field has proved to be a less than desirable situation.  Here in Prasarita Padottanasana 'A' in Okoboji, IA July 2012

Aubriana Mae made me a proud Aunt for the third time
when my sister gave birth on August 17, 2012.  For the
last 6 months, I have been living in Des Moines, IA with
my sister and her (growing) family. 

At Tiger Leaping Gorge, China May '11--
6 week trip in China immediately following departure
from Thailand--arrived back to the States in June 2011

College buddies reunite in Aug. '11 for a wedding

With cousins in San Francisco, June 2011 (me pictured right--
experiencing some culture shock probably in that very moment)

Sampson is my parents newest pet addition,
he joined our household shortly after my return.
I stayed at their place in Sioux City, IA upon my
return from San Francisco (June-Aug 2011).

With two of my closest friends in Boston (where I lived and worked from August 2011-May 2012)
In Boston, I received my 200-hour yoga teacher training certificate and worked at a 4-star hotel--met lots of Thais!) 

Reunion with Iowa cousins in July 2012, it was so nice to see my Aunt (center)
 before she passed away unexpectedly in October 2012 

Thoughts on Leaving Site, Leaving Thailand

A Song of Africa
"If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me?"
-Meryl Streep as Karen Blixen in the Acadamy Award winning best picture 1985 Out of Africa

I have long-since been thinking of a song for Thailand--like Meryl Streep seamlessly dictated in one of my all time favorite films Out of Africa.

But, no matter how hard I try, I can't quite articulte it as poetically and emotively as her.

Though, riding my bike to the district for probably the last time today created a meloncholy and overwhelmingness in my heart that could not be ignored. To think it will be one of the last times I'll ride my bike or see the roadside tropical fruit stands and the water buffalo moving cumbersome, distinguished in rice field after rice field. Or to think that I may never again come upon a random parade, wedding, funeral, or monk ordination just to have it slow down with incalculable curiosity and excitement as I walk or ride by. Undoubtedly, I won't be speaking Thai as near as much as I do here--not to mention the colquial Khmer which I've just started to better grasp. Bucket showers and boiling water on cold nights in order to bathe may seem like a distant dream.

And, rice. Rice will never be the same to me again. Before I came here I only ate it wild and fried. I've grown to really love the fresh un-processed Jasmine Rice that comes straight from the backyard. Not to mention the lucious greens, tomatoes, pumpkins, beans, bamboo shoots, and papayas I have relished in one way or another in main dishes almost every day. Lemongrass, Thai basil, cumin, ginger, cilantro, garlic, parsley, chilis and so many more unidentified herbs and seasons have spiced my life and broadened my culinary experience. In addition to the incredibly available and delicious low cost of food--today my lunch cost a dollar.

Then, smiles. So many of them. They're contagious, you know. Perhaps, I wouldn't have fared and endured as much had there not been a Thai smile just around the corner. I can only hope that my own smile always precedes a meeting or greeting of new and old and that a departure always end with a sweet, lingering, (possibly coy) smile.

How could I forget the personal growth (or shall I say opportunity for it)? It's safe to say there will probably never be another time in my life in which I have seemingly forever to read books and contemplate world hunger, parallel universes, cutting out middle men, re-thinking capitalism, propogate world peace, reject inequality, face my fears, write poems and never-ending letters, sit with my emotions and thoughts, do yoga, meditate, and chant. (There's the flip side of that too--watching movies and T.V. shows, taking frequent cat naps, staying up to late, procrastinating) Actually, I hope the highs and lows will not be so extreme...

Then there's belief. Buddhist study and exposure has piqued my curiosity and enabled me to learn so much more and appreciate many ancient teachings. To understand compassion and suffering, karma and the power of developing awareness. In the very least, it's helped me make more sense of the world, my own concept of spirituality, and how I approach people and situations.

Every personal strife and setback and feeling of success has humbled me, has changed me. And even though it's been hard I wouldn't change anything. Sure, I'll forever be inextricably linked to Thailand but my Peace Corps site experience will soon be over. Two more weeks in country and my 27 + month journey in Thailand will be over too.

I hear friends who have returned to the States already warning me that it feels like a dream--almost like they never left home (like Dorothy and Oz). I'm sure going back is overwhelming and extraordinarily exhausting/exciting but, there's no way I can forget what I've experienced here and the lessons I've learned. As always, I'll have to move forward seeking new experiences and challenging myself.

And, that's my song of Thailand.

But, the question still remains... Does Thailand know a song of me?

Will the children mistakenly yell out "Heidi" or "Chom Phu" at every farang woman they meet? Will my neighbor gaze at the stars at night knowing that we share the same sky? Who will remember that I am not French but American? When the rice is ready for planting, will the villagers reminisce of days past when they taught a girl from a different land of skin white their ancient custom of cultivating and harvesting?
Will someone, anyone, look at their garbage and remember that someone once told them that this plastic glass or that glass bottle can be recycled instead of burned. Who will know not to confuse 'l' with 'r' and 'how are you' with 'how old are you' in the English language? How will people know that I am thinking of them in my mind's past, in my dreams, in my heart?

Who will hum a memory of me when I'm gone??

More Wedding Photos & Aerobic Dance, Part Deux

Bride and groom during the ceremony (outside the bride's house)

In the bridal bedroom

My house transformed in the spirit of marital celebration!

The newlyweds with his younger sisters and their children

With the bride and the groom during the day--in the green is the bride's younger sister--my good friend, the local massage specialist

Bride and groom at night with the bride's niece (she also fulfilled the role as the equivalent to maid of honor)

Aerobic dance winners for the 5th year in a row! Check out their outfits

Ready or not here I come to dance!

Our team from Jaidee village 11--there are 3 villages in this residential area

These are pics from the week of March 13-19--aka a very busy week for yours truly! Unfortunately, since I have spent a considerable amount of time re-vamping my blog today, I don't have much time to elaborate on the pictures. Though, most of them speak for themselves. I will say that our aerobic dance practice was cut short this year. We ended up doing the same routine from last year--same group only we lost a few and because of the wedding and menagerie going on at my house (also, because I had terrible allergies) I was only able to attend one practice before competition day--in front of the entire community! Suffice to say, our dance moves were less than perfect but the judges appreciated our enthusiasm and we ended up with 4th place--out of 11. Not bad! It was a great day all in all. I spent from 9AM to 6PM at the health station and went home exhausted but happy. Plus, it was not as near as blistering hot as it was last year. I only took 1 shower! (as opposed to 3-4).

Now it's all tumbling to an end! We just had a meeting today about the details of my departure. It was a little dreamlike sitting there in a room observing people talk about my last days here and adding a few anecdotes about me. A dialog in which I contributed nothing to other than smiling and nodding when appropriate. Almost like I watching a movie about me--in a different language--imagining the subtitles and pretense behind every smile and every giggle. Very strange!
Anyways, Monday is the big day for going-away ceremonial stuff and one big community meal at my office. They even made invitations to give all the villagers. I'm getting excited/sad/nervous--not unlike the very first day I came here! Before I know it, the van will be honking in front of my house at 5AM on Tuesday to take me to the Peace Corps Office in Bangkok. And it will all be over. I'll be traveling with a caravan of my closest constituents. Karaoke, laughter, tears (mostly mine because you know, I'm more of an outwardly emotional creature than my Thai friends), gift giving, and spicy food will likely ensue.

I'll try to update more as I near the end.

Be well!

Birthday, Goodbyes, an Re-clarification

I turned 26 yesterday. To celebrate I made jello. I look forward to celebrating a little more when I go to Bangkok next week. Not older but wiser =) A couple days ago I met with the 2 closest volunteers to my site (John and Susan) to commemorate my birthday and quite possibly the last time we'll see each other for a while. It was surreal to think that this was the end of our Peace Corps saga together. But, we ended on a good note--this experience will bind us inevitably. The weather has been weird to say the least. Cold and windy--not unlike the weather I experienced in Monterey California. For this to happen during the supposed hottest time of year in Thailand is very unusual. Given this, I was pleased with my birthday gifts from Susan--a turtleneck sweater and a coat! (seeing as how I sent all my warm clothes home 18 months ago!)




Goodbye to John & Susan--for now!


Turning 26


Re-clarifying
After reading and re-reading my last post over again, I came to the realization that it's a bit, if not very vague. Apologies! Please understand that though I do have things to do everyday, I still have a lot of down and 'think' time. And often, if not most of the time, I get stuck inside my head. They don't tell you before joining the Peace Corps that it's really a series of personal growth tests; of self-discoveries and re-discoveries and doubting, philosophizing, identity crisis, and re-asserting about life and the world in which we live. And, perhaps it will change for me as an "RPCV"--returned or 'recovering (just kidding)' Peace Corps Volunteer-- or maybe I'll always be somewhat 'in my head'.

In any event, I think the point of the last post somehow got tangled up in my words. By no means do I have it all figured out! I contradict myself a lot. But, I know for certain that I have the utmost respect for certain virtues and personal integrity such as hard work, endurance,honesty, openness, mutual respect, non-violence, kindness, love, and fairness. And following your heart's desire. So many people I know here and back home and throughout the world emulate these traits every day and inspire me incalculably. I'm not saying we all need to be bleeding hearts and give up what we've earned either. Because I do believe passion and what makes people happy should be an important part of the path they chose in life. I also wanted to clarify that I'm not suggesting that the way to improving people's livelihoods and ending poverty/famine/inequality is by giving handouts. In fact, most of the people I meet in need refuse to accept handouts. Like my dad always says... "God helps he who helps himself."

The bottom line I was trying to get at is this... We are all human beings deserving of certain inalienable rights (one of which, I personally believe is the right to choose one's destiny or at least have some say in it.) and by recognizing someones essential humanity(through the virtues and integrity I mentioned earlier) we can learn and experience so much--about ourselves and about others. We can actually break down preconceived notions and assumptions and fears and see each other as these basic human beings worthy of shared inalienable rights. Such an experience can momentarily cut through the socio economical status, language, culture, gender, age,ethnicity, social class, education, sexual orientation, lifestyle, occupation, and beliefs--and remind us of how we all are a part of life. In such a world, discrimination, war and greed, manipulation and violence just might take a back seat to compassion.

I guess I was also trying to say that the way society is designed is not necessarily conducive for us to experience all that it means to be and live in this world. That it can be easy to get boxed in--for instance, me when I don't want to leave my house because I know people will be staring at me and talking and asking me questions until I go back in my house and shut the door.

Part of this is because, sure, we don't all think the same way. To conceptualize this, I think of the Buddhist theory of the "10 worlds" of being and consciousness.
It is said we are constantly shifting vertically and horizontally through these worlds or life states.
They include:
6 Realms of Desire: Hell, Hunger, Animality, Arrogance/anger, Humanity (passionate ideal/inactive tranquility), Heaven (short term)

and... 4 Noble Worlds: Learning, Realization, Bodhisattvahood, and Buddhahood.
See also: The http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_spiritual_realms

So, sometimes we get stuck in hunger--physical (food, pleasure, pain) and/or insatiable desires (wealth, power, fame, etc, etc.) I can easily relate this to my life. I start out physically hungry and desiring a certain food. Let's say mangoes. I eat enough mangoes to fulfill my physical hunger but they taste good so I desire more. I end up eating all the mangoes I have but I still desire more. So, I ask my neighbor for some and I eat all of hers but I for some reason, I am still wanting more. So, I go to the store and buy some--not because I'm hungry but because I crave and desire them. My hunger is insatiable for mangoes.

But, it is possible to move out of hunger and into learning. I've learned that if I eat too many mangoes, I get a stomach ache and feel very uncomfortable. I feel guilty and unhappy. So, I try not to eat too many mangoes anymore. I'm learning.

My experience with Gai (see last post) was what I conceived as an experience in the learning world. I put my own wants and annoyances and desire to be tranquilly inactive (Heaven) aside to try and learn something--to experience someone else as a living being.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I don't still shift up and down through hunger, animality, heaven, and so on.

But, for a brief moment, I slipped into learning. And what did I learn? That it's worth something just to experience humanity--anyones humanity--just to be open to it. That, at some point, I'm the same as you and you're the same as me.

To put it plainly, some people make and serve food while other's order and eat from a silver spoon BUT we all eat. We all must eat to live. The fact that we all eat makes us all human. The fact that we all get tired and sleep and inevitably, move through different life states is what differentiates and connects us. There should be no such thing as an untouchable or someone who is "too far gone" in society. As long as we're breathing, there's potential to be in any life state at any given moment.

I realize that I may or may not have muddled things more with my supposed clarifications--so maybe consider the source and consider my influence while reading the above.

Signed,

Striving to Learn!

Wake-up Call

Every now and then I have a moment of great clarity in terms of what I am working for in life and why I am here particularly. In essence, a wake-up call as to what it's all about. Moreover, I become more aware of the reality going on around me. Because, let me tell ya, I've had my fair share of doubts and confusion and questioning everything I believe in as far as the eye can see. No matter how the cookie crumbles though, I somehow make that decision to get out of bed every day and endeavor as part of humanity in some capacity or another. It's not always pleasant or comfortable--but I've come to believe you can't have the ying without the yang.

So, I had one of these defining encounters a couple weeks ago. It was a Saturday afternoon like any other. I had just finished doing laundry by hand and cleaning my house. From there I moved to sorting through clothes to keep and give away--a daunting task that I've refined about a million times. I was simultaneously cooking rice porridge (my own variety of it) in my rice cooker and listening to some of my favorite beats. Then, out of nowhere, a young woman appears at my doorstep. We'll call her "Gai" for the sake of this story. I startled at first since I can usually hear people coming. But, Gai has a discrete way about her. I know this woman personally and through reputation. Gai is about 21 years old and her 2-year old attends the daycare at which I'd been doing the water and sanitation project. While spending more time at the daycare during project implementation, I had more chance encounters with Gai and her husband--who was volunteering his labor and expertise to complete the new drain system and sink installation at the daycare. Her dark rail thin, lanky frame stands about 1/2" taller than me and most of her front teeth are missing. What I know about this girl from personal interaction isn't much up until she comes to my house. And I'm still not convinced that I will ever really know her. I know her family is poor, poorer than most people in my village. Her daughter looks malnourished compared to other two year olds (that's an observation), she doesn't seem to work other than farm with the family and her husband is hard-working--as I saw evident from his dedication to the daycare project. But, she tries to contribute (yet, another observation)

What else do I know? I know what I've heard which, like all gossip around here, I take with a grain a salt and spectate hearsay most of the time. Oh, I've heard she's addicted to alcohol and takes "yaa baa" (methenphetamines) sometimes. People have told me to ignore her, stay away from her, and to not trust her... there's a few people around the community who get labeled like that. In my head, I put her in that category of 'partial outcasts'--clearly they are recognized members of the community at large but disapproved (whether openly or not) by others. Before I went to the daycare I'd see her hanging around the community stores, sometimes clearly inebriated from something or other--barely standing up. She would come up to me and in a tiny, timid, almost sweet voice ask me for money. She had approached me a number of times before I met her in another setting. Actually, the whole asking for money thing has happened to me many times while living here and I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it. Not that I'm cold but, really what can I do? Be the 'rich' foreigner and give people money because I feel guilty? What would you do?

Anyways, long story short, Gai comes into my house. She's selling snails. They look rancid. I hesitate in minor annoyance and tell her I've never been able to figure our how to cook the darn things. Then she looks around at my house in awe at my computer, my pictures, my clothes. The smell projecting off her body is malodorous and it takes me a while to get used to. She sits on my floor as I jabber away, hoping she'll leave soon because I'm starving and want to eat soon. I do that nervous laugh/ fidgety thing way to much when I'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. Then, it dawns on me. Maybe she's starving. Why am I so bothered? Isn't this why I joined Peace Corps? To reach people who are 'partial outcasts'. Why have I succumbed to the gossip I heard and therefore, why am I treating Gai like the rest of the villagers. She hasn't done anything to me. For some reason, right then and there, I decided to do what I was trying to resist. I asked her if she ate and in fact, she hadn't. Even though I had the fan blowing on us, she was producing beads of sweat. I invited her to eat lunch with me and in the meantime, made her the first peanut-butter sandwich she ever had. I showed her on the world map where America was compared to Thailand and Japan. She asked me questions about my family and education and America. And I asked her about her life and ambitions. I found out that she was educated up to 6th grade. Gai had married at 17 and had her child shortly thereafter. She gets up at dawn everyday to do chores and collect foodstuff to sell. Clearly, life was not easy.

We ended up sitting on my floor eating and talking all afternoon. She asked me for money at least 3 times but, I said honestly all I could do was buy her snails, which I did. When she left, I gave her my pile of questionable keeps. She said she never got anything new before and that she only had a few shirts and pants to wear for work.

After that, my heart felt weary yet content and calm. I felt so silly about fretting over having too many clothes! What I experienced was profound. It dawned on me then why I'm here and why I do what I do. Because, some people don't get to choose their destiny. I'm here because I choose to be here but the truth is that in a week or so, I'll be gone. Yeah, I've come to appreciate certain things more and not take them for granted--clean water, showers, washing machines, public transportation, a hot, steaming bowl of rice. But, soon enough I'll have moved on to another journey and adventure and test in life--probably of my own choosing. But, for some of the people I've come to know, this is their reality. They will never see the world as I see it because I've come from a different place and I will inevitably go somewhere else. Some people try and still suffer in poverty. They'll be rice farmers and buffalo herders and work really hard all their lives just to get by--never have the luxury of a massage or a vacation or a shopping spree. Some people will get distressed and turn to drugs and alcohol and succumb to depression not because they are "bad" people but because life is hard and let's face it... not always fair. (How do I know this? Because it's the tale that I've been told since I got here and people confirm it all the time) Maybe it's my conscious that can't let go. Or maybe there was something more inside of me that flipped on a switch and said: "Hey!" This is a human being and though you may have heard bad things about her, you should treat her with dignity and respect!" And so I tried. To give what I could. To have for myself but also share with someone else. To open myself up to the reality of what's around me. It's liberating and tormenting at the same time. Because once you realize how many people suffer from poverty and scarcity in the world and have no choice to live in any way, shape, or form how they want, you want to help them all at once. Suddenly, your own worries and burdens become miniscule. What did it matter to me if I had one less blouse or pair of shoes? If someone is hungry, shouldn't they be fed? If someone is naked, shouldn't they be clothed--no matter who they are?? I'm not saying I'm saintly or anything. Sure, I feel selfish and lazy at times. Sure, I like to indulge sometimes. And, yeah it can be really hard to face the world sometimes. But, we're all a work in progress right? And once you get out there and you're standing face to face with people you're inclined to help... well, it's hard to deny their humanity.

I guess having this experience has made me realize more astutely that my passion lies in connecting with others and sharing in our human condition. That I can't be in the world and not interact. That no matter how much money I make or where I live or how much proverbial success I have, it will never amount to anything if I can't do something for humanity. Even if it means making sacrifices. In the meantime, I must work to know and trust myself better. Plus, I can't simply accept that someone should just make do with their 'lot' in life and endure suffering all the way to death. It's not how life was meant to be. Something's gotta give!

Does that mean I'm bound to be a social worker?! Well, maybe a hybrid of that at least. But the thing is, it doesn't matter the career or walk of life a person maintains, it matters only how we encounter each other and we can fulfill the resolve now, today to be kind and open to one another. Even if that means we have to let go of assumptions and step out of our comfort zone.

Down to the Wire

It would appear, I will be scrambling to get things done (and still have time for a sufficient amount of procrastinating) in my last two week as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I've been thinking a lot about the things I have adjusted to here and how much this experience has really changed me--yet, fundamental parts of my character are still the same. My life and my personal values/ mantras have matured as I tested the waters here in Thailand. At times, I was doubtful and confused and frustrated with almost everything I believed and thought to be true--only to come out more confident than I was before. I won't say that I've got it all figured out. Nobody does. But, I will say that this experience has helped me strengthen my resolve in life and set my sights on higher pursuits--spiritually, mentally, and physically. Even if that does mean more trials and tribulations in the future. I'm content better knowing what makes me come alive and feel fulfilled.

I have more than few more anecdotes to disclose before this experience is over (although, I'm beginning to think the effects of this experience won't be over for a long while). I fear there are so many more lessons learned and happenings that will go unpublished because after all, there's only so much one can write about such an experience. In order to feel the full effect, it has to be lived.

Tonight I will leave for my final root canal travels to Bangkok and by this time tomorrow I will have a brand new tooth! Fake, of course. It will be the 5th and final time I've traveled back and forth to Bangkok in a month's time and I can't wait for it to be over.

Despite the unforeseen dental circumstance, it hasn't been that much of a setback by way of soaking it all up before I leave. Last week was eventful to the max with my landlord's 3-day wedding extravaganza at my house ( I took up temporary residence and refuge from the 24-7 partying at my old homestay for 3 nights), posing as the wedding photographer, aerobic dance competition (plus practice the day before), my bike breaking down 4 times, writing final reports (ongoing process), soaking up the local food and culture, and fighting a persistent cough/cold.

I hope to add at least two more posts this week or next. I have 2 important (well, I think they're important) stories to cover.


In the meantime, enjoy my current youtube uploads of my landlord's wedding and a tour of my residence:


Thai Wedding Procession

Thai Wedding Ceremony

Thai Wedding Blessing

My Residence in Rural Thailand

(P.S. I realize I sound a bit dorky narrating this last video...it may be due to the lack of verbal English language communication I've experienced on a day to day basis in the past two years ;) Don't hold it against me!)