Wake-up Call

Every now and then I have a moment of great clarity in terms of what I am working for in life and why I am here particularly. In essence, a wake-up call as to what it's all about. Moreover, I become more aware of the reality going on around me. Because, let me tell ya, I've had my fair share of doubts and confusion and questioning everything I believe in as far as the eye can see. No matter how the cookie crumbles though, I somehow make that decision to get out of bed every day and endeavor as part of humanity in some capacity or another. It's not always pleasant or comfortable--but I've come to believe you can't have the ying without the yang.

So, I had one of these defining encounters a couple weeks ago. It was a Saturday afternoon like any other. I had just finished doing laundry by hand and cleaning my house. From there I moved to sorting through clothes to keep and give away--a daunting task that I've refined about a million times. I was simultaneously cooking rice porridge (my own variety of it) in my rice cooker and listening to some of my favorite beats. Then, out of nowhere, a young woman appears at my doorstep. We'll call her "Gai" for the sake of this story. I startled at first since I can usually hear people coming. But, Gai has a discrete way about her. I know this woman personally and through reputation. Gai is about 21 years old and her 2-year old attends the daycare at which I'd been doing the water and sanitation project. While spending more time at the daycare during project implementation, I had more chance encounters with Gai and her husband--who was volunteering his labor and expertise to complete the new drain system and sink installation at the daycare. Her dark rail thin, lanky frame stands about 1/2" taller than me and most of her front teeth are missing. What I know about this girl from personal interaction isn't much up until she comes to my house. And I'm still not convinced that I will ever really know her. I know her family is poor, poorer than most people in my village. Her daughter looks malnourished compared to other two year olds (that's an observation), she doesn't seem to work other than farm with the family and her husband is hard-working--as I saw evident from his dedication to the daycare project. But, she tries to contribute (yet, another observation)

What else do I know? I know what I've heard which, like all gossip around here, I take with a grain a salt and spectate hearsay most of the time. Oh, I've heard she's addicted to alcohol and takes "yaa baa" (methenphetamines) sometimes. People have told me to ignore her, stay away from her, and to not trust her... there's a few people around the community who get labeled like that. In my head, I put her in that category of 'partial outcasts'--clearly they are recognized members of the community at large but disapproved (whether openly or not) by others. Before I went to the daycare I'd see her hanging around the community stores, sometimes clearly inebriated from something or other--barely standing up. She would come up to me and in a tiny, timid, almost sweet voice ask me for money. She had approached me a number of times before I met her in another setting. Actually, the whole asking for money thing has happened to me many times while living here and I've gotten pretty good at ignoring it. Not that I'm cold but, really what can I do? Be the 'rich' foreigner and give people money because I feel guilty? What would you do?

Anyways, long story short, Gai comes into my house. She's selling snails. They look rancid. I hesitate in minor annoyance and tell her I've never been able to figure our how to cook the darn things. Then she looks around at my house in awe at my computer, my pictures, my clothes. The smell projecting off her body is malodorous and it takes me a while to get used to. She sits on my floor as I jabber away, hoping she'll leave soon because I'm starving and want to eat soon. I do that nervous laugh/ fidgety thing way to much when I'm in a situation that makes me uncomfortable. Then, it dawns on me. Maybe she's starving. Why am I so bothered? Isn't this why I joined Peace Corps? To reach people who are 'partial outcasts'. Why have I succumbed to the gossip I heard and therefore, why am I treating Gai like the rest of the villagers. She hasn't done anything to me. For some reason, right then and there, I decided to do what I was trying to resist. I asked her if she ate and in fact, she hadn't. Even though I had the fan blowing on us, she was producing beads of sweat. I invited her to eat lunch with me and in the meantime, made her the first peanut-butter sandwich she ever had. I showed her on the world map where America was compared to Thailand and Japan. She asked me questions about my family and education and America. And I asked her about her life and ambitions. I found out that she was educated up to 6th grade. Gai had married at 17 and had her child shortly thereafter. She gets up at dawn everyday to do chores and collect foodstuff to sell. Clearly, life was not easy.

We ended up sitting on my floor eating and talking all afternoon. She asked me for money at least 3 times but, I said honestly all I could do was buy her snails, which I did. When she left, I gave her my pile of questionable keeps. She said she never got anything new before and that she only had a few shirts and pants to wear for work.

After that, my heart felt weary yet content and calm. I felt so silly about fretting over having too many clothes! What I experienced was profound. It dawned on me then why I'm here and why I do what I do. Because, some people don't get to choose their destiny. I'm here because I choose to be here but the truth is that in a week or so, I'll be gone. Yeah, I've come to appreciate certain things more and not take them for granted--clean water, showers, washing machines, public transportation, a hot, steaming bowl of rice. But, soon enough I'll have moved on to another journey and adventure and test in life--probably of my own choosing. But, for some of the people I've come to know, this is their reality. They will never see the world as I see it because I've come from a different place and I will inevitably go somewhere else. Some people try and still suffer in poverty. They'll be rice farmers and buffalo herders and work really hard all their lives just to get by--never have the luxury of a massage or a vacation or a shopping spree. Some people will get distressed and turn to drugs and alcohol and succumb to depression not because they are "bad" people but because life is hard and let's face it... not always fair. (How do I know this? Because it's the tale that I've been told since I got here and people confirm it all the time) Maybe it's my conscious that can't let go. Or maybe there was something more inside of me that flipped on a switch and said: "Hey!" This is a human being and though you may have heard bad things about her, you should treat her with dignity and respect!" And so I tried. To give what I could. To have for myself but also share with someone else. To open myself up to the reality of what's around me. It's liberating and tormenting at the same time. Because once you realize how many people suffer from poverty and scarcity in the world and have no choice to live in any way, shape, or form how they want, you want to help them all at once. Suddenly, your own worries and burdens become miniscule. What did it matter to me if I had one less blouse or pair of shoes? If someone is hungry, shouldn't they be fed? If someone is naked, shouldn't they be clothed--no matter who they are?? I'm not saying I'm saintly or anything. Sure, I feel selfish and lazy at times. Sure, I like to indulge sometimes. And, yeah it can be really hard to face the world sometimes. But, we're all a work in progress right? And once you get out there and you're standing face to face with people you're inclined to help... well, it's hard to deny their humanity.

I guess having this experience has made me realize more astutely that my passion lies in connecting with others and sharing in our human condition. That I can't be in the world and not interact. That no matter how much money I make or where I live or how much proverbial success I have, it will never amount to anything if I can't do something for humanity. Even if it means making sacrifices. In the meantime, I must work to know and trust myself better. Plus, I can't simply accept that someone should just make do with their 'lot' in life and endure suffering all the way to death. It's not how life was meant to be. Something's gotta give!

Does that mean I'm bound to be a social worker?! Well, maybe a hybrid of that at least. But the thing is, it doesn't matter the career or walk of life a person maintains, it matters only how we encounter each other and we can fulfill the resolve now, today to be kind and open to one another. Even if that means we have to let go of assumptions and step out of our comfort zone.