Living in the Fishbowl

Today I had one of those moments in which I am in a room full of Thai people and there's a speaker up at the front just clambering away when suddenly I start to look around and get this sneaking suspicion that 'one of these things is not like the other one!' (like the song--that one things not like the others would be me, of course). It happens less frequently nowadays. No matter where or when I still get that sudden awareness every now and then. It's the feeling you get when you know all eyes are on you and your every move is being secretly noted by everyone in the room--though you are hardly moving.

It's knowing that every night when I turn on the light to go to the bathroom, the neighbors duly note it. Or when I go running, how the people on the next block already know I'm headed their way because my neighbors have called them ahead of time to make sure they see me pass by. Particularly, when I am going somewhere--via bike, bus, or train I'm greeted with stares, smiles, grimaces, babies crying, babies laughing just the same. It's definitely knowing that no matter where I go, no matter the reason, people will inevitably ask me what I'm doing here and why. Or when I go to one of the 4 area schools and everyone, even the teachers, stop what their doing to look at me. And, even though I'm still a human being like the rest of them (fact that our DNA is 99.9 % the same) the minor detail that I come from somewhere different, indeed, talk and look different is that much of a head-turning, humdinger that people forget often I am just another person. Of which, is no blame to anyone but rather, a consequence of circumstance. The circumstance wherein I, as a white North American, am living in a rural, relatively secluded, definitely homogeneous Thai community where dare I say, I am the first white person some people have ever seen. The likes of such experiences might be compared to being a minority ethnicity or a movie star in other instances. Yet, it is certainly a unique phenomena of it's own to an extent.

Living perpetually in the fish bowl is definitely something that takes getting used to. Truthfully, maybe one can only adjust to a certain degree. It has definitely helped me empathize with the 'other'. In anthropological terms, the 'other' consists of people and groups who are different from us (us being the optimal word to describe you and your cultural/ethnic group). Different features, different colors, different cultures, different views, different up-bringing, different language, different rituals, this that and the other. Often times, 'the other' seems unfamiliar, funny, strange, unique, absurd... inexplicable. Media often likes to emphasize differences between 'us' and the 'other'. They're bad, we're good, we're smart, they're slow, we're peaceful, they're dangerous, we're normal, they're strange... etc, etc, etc. After a while, what you might discover (like I have) is that the mere DNA factor really does matter more than we think. People, after all, are just people. Simple. Basic. Sure, we have differences but it's all relative. What's strange to me is normal to you. Potato, potatoe. Let's call the whole thing off. In the end, we can always find common ground in our humanity. This has been my saving grace. When I feel overwhelmed with living in the fishbowl, I remind myself that I'm just a person and I can either put myself out there, explain myself to people, connect with humanity at any level or I can hide in my shell--which, is virtually impossible here. In addition, I am reminded that in this scenario, I am the 'other'. I've never been in this position for such an extended period of time in my life. For most of my life, aside from various travels, I've been surrounded by familiarity and a reflection of my own identity in like-minded individuals expressed by the majority. Here, I am totally a black sheep... or so it was in the beginning. Through time, my presence here has moved beyond just being 'the other'. I've had to put myself out there and experience a lot of discomfort but, it has allowed me to earn respect, break down the proverbial shell, and get down to the nitty-gritty things that make me the same as anyone else. The result has been surprisingly positive. Being in so many situations where I am expected to give a presentation, teach a song, talk about myself/ my culture, or do something completely random (sometimes scary) and unknown, has actually made me more confident, aware of my actions, and less self-conscious. Which is weird because you would think if people were watching me all the time, it would make me more self-conscious. But, actually I feel more comfortable in my skin and content with myself than I have felt in years.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to encourage everyone to go out and seek the 'other', even if that means making yourself the 'other'. Be bold, be yourself, try something new, put yourself out there. You may just discover, you have more in common with 'other' people than you think. Maybe you'll make a new friend =) Maybe you'll discover something new about yourself.
Think of it this way, when you step out of your comfort zone just a little and try something new or talk to someone of a different culture/ethnicity, you can times it by 10 and multiply again by 1000 and then you might have an idea of what I have experienced!

Cheers!