Some of the Women in My Life

A lot has been happening in the social sphere lately. Drama and gossip included. Actually, probably not more than usual but I seem to be catching more of what’s going on. Maybe because my Thai is progressing or maybe just purely by coincidence of being caught somewhere in the middle of it all. Could also be because I’ve been spending more time in the office and outside of my proverbial cave (ie: my house). In any event, I can’t help but taking note of the things happenings around me and reckoning them. This post is further based around three separate, ongoing circumstances that center on the perspective of young women in my little rural community. Please understand that I present these vignettes not to expose people but to analyze and compare these situations because I am a woman too and I certainly feel connected to other women and the role of women in society.

Circumstance 1: My counterpart asks me if I want to go to the province to take another female co-worker to see a doctor. We’ll call the female co-worker P Bah for simplicity sake. P Bah started working at our office about 2 months ago since her father became part of the new administration. Anyways, I say sure, why not. Of course, I usually take anyone up on any type of excursion that could possibly include a stop at a legitimate coffee shop. What’s unusual about this is that when people ask where we’re going, she simply says to run errands. She then drives her truck to P Bah’s house and parks. We get out and wait for her father to prepare his truck for us to take. At which point, I also meet P Bah’s mother, who is coming along with us. Seems covert. There are 4 of us: myself, my counterpart, P Bah, and her mother. On the way I find out that P Bah is 3 months pregnant and thus, the nature of the doctor’s visit. Her pregnancy isn’t really a secret yet, no one really talks about it because her situation is...complicated. P Bah is 29 years old, educated with a college degree, and unmarried. It is common knowledge that her long-term boyfriend is well, a deadbeat (for lack of a better description). Apparently she’s been dating him since high school but, after a brief break up two years ago, people believed that she was done with him. Unbeknownst to her parents, she continued to live with him while living and working in another province. You can imagine the shock and disapproval of her parents when they found out she was not only still with him but pregnant as well. The plot thickens. Some relatives suggested she have an abortion outright, concluding that no good could come of it. The talk of ‘getting rid of it’ was all about the village—in whispers and backrooms, of course. I contend that she probably weighed her options in the beginning and decided to keep it. Probably her age had something to do with it. Hmm. I’ve never seen a pregnant woman so anxious and scared as her at this doctor’s appointment. Clearly, she was scared and worried about people recognizing her. My counterpart, who is a very practical, kind-hearted, and smart person, was a good steady support for her. Which is good because I’m only really good for relieving tension through comic relief in congested situations like these—especially with people I hardly know.

Circumstance 2: Last week I went to a wedding in my village with 2 of my neighbors. Being in Thailand for over a year now, I would say I’ve attended maybe 3 or 4 wedding receptions. Unlike the other elaborate receptions with grand stages and hired go-go dancers, this wedding was small and very simple. Quaint. Notably, because the bride and groom were very young and obviously a relative (the girl’s uncle) was footing the bill for the ceremony and reception. At the reception, I soon found out the bride had just completed the equivalent of 6th grade and she was at the tender age of 13 while the groom was 17 and currently out of school. Come again? I had to ask several times to verify this. They just seemed so young to me. Like babies! But, this happens in poor rural communities. Maybe not as frequent as the past time but, it still happens. From what I gather, it’s more or less accepted as normal. The girl decided she had all the schooling she needed and the next step was for her to get married. My neighbor kept explaining to me over and over that she only wanted to be married and have a family. Economically, it might be practical. She would shift from being a financial burden on her parent’s to having her husband support her. Her fiancé probably had to pay some sort of a bride price (which is still commonly practiced in Thailand) in Baht and gold or maybe in livestock to her family –which would help them economically. She could have more time to maintain a household, raise babies, and work in the rice field, etc. Or she might end up doing migrant labor, depending. Who knows, maybe the early marriage could be saving her from being sucked in to some prostitution scam years down the road. Then again, maybe the bride nor groom have no clue what they are getting in to—the responsibilities and burdens of adulthood and marriage. In the midst of this whole reception, I felt a certain melancholy for this young lady whose lack of options and socio-economical status probably contributed to her decision to marry so young. What a tough decision and responsibility at such a young age. Yet, I couldn’t help but notice her glowing with delight as she greeted guests.

Circumstance 3: At the nightly gossip roundtable (figuratively speaking), which has become a sort of a ritual on my neighbor’s porch, I find out that another co-worker of mine is pregnant. She’s at about 3 months, the same as P Bah. We’ll call this co-worker P Kik. The conversation about P Kik and her pregnancy is conspicuously different. People are much more excited and talkative. Even though, generally speaking, their situations are very much alike. P Kik is 27, educated with a college degree, and also unmarried. Only her long-term boyfriend is well liked and apparently, not a deadbeat. Her and her boyfriend are also very open about their relationship and their expedited plans for marriage. In fact, they plan to be married next month, before the baby is born. People in the office are buzzing about the wedding, what to wear, etc. All the while P Bah, fades into the background reading parenting books and sheepishly dodging persisting questions about her pregnancy.

Analysis:
First of all, I ask myself, is it still a big taboo to be pregnant and unmarried in rural Thailand? Will it be something that always depends on the situation or is there some underlying societal attitude? It’s definitely a loaded topic and there are varying degrees of opinion. An experience I had at the very beginning of my time in Thailand indicates that it’s still a big faux pax. Only after about a month of being in Thailand, we learned of a girl in the local community who had committed suicide because she was young, unmarried, and pregnant. Apparently the pressure of living with the stigma of her situation was too much to handle. But, now when I think of P Bah and P Kik, I can’t help but assert that education, age, and affluence have something to do with it. Perhaps, it is more acceptable if an unwed women of a certain status, of a certain educational background, and age becomes pregnant. Then again, maybe not at all depending on who the father happens to be. And then what? What if P Bah decided to have an abortion? It’s not like it would have been a secret and not to mention how she’d be putting her life and freedom at risk given that abortion is illegal in Thailand. I’m sure people do such things when faced with such dilemmas and pressure from the community. And how does this contribute to the problems that manifest in society? Once I saw a picture of a dead girl who had performed an abortion on herself on the front page of a local newspaper. Talk about scare tactics. That’s one way of reporting I suppose. But, what about that poor girl? Was she a criminal or a victim? What precipitated such a thing to happen? Surely, they’re must have been more to the story than...’girl dies giving herself abortion’ I’m more interested in who she was and how she lived.

On a completely different note, it’s very interesting especially when considering Circumstance 2 of the young couple. Both the women that I work with were given opportunities and resources in their life to have more liberal childhoods, with minimal manual labor and more economic stability within their families. They were able to go to school and obtain college degrees. They dated men and became exposed at least somewhat to living independently and having to take care of themselves. Now in their late 20’s, they are both with child. Even if their pregnancies were unplanned, both women are in a conducive position to support a child. The young 13-year old bride, on the other hand, probably worked hard within her family household since she was a child. She never had the options the other two women had. Her options presented a vastly different path. Though she’s 10 plus years younger than my co-worker’s, with only a 6th grade-level education, she’s already taking on the task of caring for a husband and a household and ultimately a family. Without the resources and leverage to change her situation, will history repeat itself? Will things just perpetuate in the future, wherein her children marry young and take on adult responsibilities at such a young age? How can this cycle be broken? How can this young lady’s circumstances improve, how can she have more opportunities and choices in her life? These are such things that keep me up at night. I often try to think of how I can affect young women in a positive way and instill confidence for their future. Give them advice and knowledge on how to cope with life as a young lady. In the very least, reassure them that they can overcome the obstacles in their lives. Honestly, I don’t have all the answers and I have my doubts. I will say from what I’ve observed thus far that it is very hard to endure the things women do in Thailand. Especially poor women from traditional societies. This is not only indicative in the above scenarios but also in the observation that women have tremendous pressure to constantly maintain a countenance of servitude, prudence, pleasantness, politeness, and tolerance.